Ok, so here I sit listening to an American patriotic song. The words are getting to me... because I'm so terribly homesick.
Know why it's called "homesick"? Because it really does feel like a sickness inside you. I miss my family and friends back home so much that I cry myself to sleep at night sometimes. You may think that the easy solution to this problem is for me to go home... but that's easier said than done.
You see, since living here in England I've become something more than I ever thought I could be in America. I always struggled when I was at home and no matter how many loving people I had around me, I always felt so terribly hopeless.
America is an amazing place... I don't think I could begin to even try and describe how good it can be (present government excepted). It's a great big place full of dreams and opportunities; places you could never find anywhere else and the pride of an American seems to transcend everything else I've seen. But with all of these things comes also the hard edge, the under-belly of the beast... I've seen crime and poverty there which is heart wrenching. Gangs and warfare in the streets, I was even a part of that desolation once... using drugs and scraping the bottom just to struggle along with nothing.
It's that which I've seen and once done myself that keeps me far away from my home. I am terrified of what I'll become if I return. America is a land of opportunity yes, the problem is that the opportunities are both negative as well as positive and I am not strong enough when I am there to stay in the positive.
It's was never easy for me growing up... those of you who know me, know that I was raised by my grandmother... that's because there was no mother or father for me as a child. My birth parents chose drugs and crime over me and my sisters and brothers. The up-side to this is that when I was 21 the two most beatiful people I know took over my parenting. The people I call mom and dad mean everything to me... yet I am afraid to tell them I am not going home. I am afraid they will be angry and hurt and so I have not spoken to them for months.
How can I tell them I changed my mind... how can I show them how proud I am to be an American, proud to be called thier daughter and yet too afraid of BIG BAD AMERICA to move back home? And then there are so many reasons to stay here in England... almost too many to count. I love this country and I've been here so long that this is also my home. I want to stay here where I feel safe- even though I am hurting so badly right now because of my present situation I feel like dying sometimes these days. yet the fact remains that still I feel safe here, I have hope and I feel like I have a chance if I just try hard enough.
I guess I've rambled on in this... and I have to go now... maybe I'll come back and write more once I've thought more about it.